my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
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