you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
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Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
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She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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