I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
