I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You ruined the universe
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
