I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
