Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
