Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
