My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I am naked and annoyed.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
