My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
