I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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