he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
