I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
