Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
