I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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