I think I died a long time ago.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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