You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
false alarm, still single
Randomize
