I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
