I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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