Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
