im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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