Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
