god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
