Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I need moral support for this bender
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
