seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
