You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
