We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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