Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
