What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
