People in love make me want to vomit
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
