I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I woke up under a house in Key West
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
