My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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