I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I have post one night stand depression
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
