You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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