my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off