if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?