I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it