Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
