I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
