girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
