I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
