I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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