omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
