You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
