i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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