and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
