its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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