The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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