I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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