I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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