and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
