he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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