I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Dear god my vagina.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
