Someone shit on the floor
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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