i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
