When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
