How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
you never un-have a 4some
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
