she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Randomize
