Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
